Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
