Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
