it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
