ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
