Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
