he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
