If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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