dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
