why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Randomize
