Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
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