remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
What a dumb baby whore.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
