My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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