1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
