his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
