I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Randomize
