If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
Randomize
