drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
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