my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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