I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
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