is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Randomize
