She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
