i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
