i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
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