Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
