if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
