Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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