Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
