Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
