She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Randomize
