I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
Randomize
