everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
