The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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