so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
He muttered something about having just washed he sheets, then demanded I give him all my quarters.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
