I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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