if only i could text you this smell
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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