Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Randomize
