Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
