Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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