i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
