I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
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