So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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