I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Randomize
