How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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