You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
