So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
But we made up last night and had unbelievably crazy sex tonight. I legit went blind for like 15mins from him choking me. It was awesome
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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