it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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