The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
