am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Randomize
