and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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