you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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