Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
